....LMB: "Latest Newspeak"....

March 01, 2003

Our pal Wayne Grytting has a new edition of his irregularly published column "American Newspeak" out, filled with the insightful commentary and wry mockery of which we (well, I) have become so fond. Unfortunately, Wayne seems a bit slow to post his columns to his website (no updates since November). I'd recommend going to Wayne's site and signing up for an email subscription to his column (address near the bottom of the left-hand frame)(yes, Wayne's site still uses frames), and in the meantime, reading his most recent column that I'm reprinting here.

Jake

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American Newspeak: The Orwell Awards
Word Collisions By Wayne Grytting
03.01.03

The "pre-emptive strikes" on logic and the English language by politicians, CEOs and the media has turned into one of our Empire's major industries. In recognition of the cutting edge advances being made today in American Newspeak, we are offering these awards to deserving individuals. Entries were judged by an exacting standard -- how many times their utterances would make George Orwell roll over in his grave. Here are this month's winners.

Father Knows Best Dept.

The U.S. Justice Department broke new ground with its crafting of the Domestic Security Enhancement Act of 2003. Among it's finer encroachments on civil liberties, revealed by the Center for Public Integrity, is Section 501. It would allow the government to strip U.S. citizenship away from anyone giving "material support" to any group designated as terrorists.

Some of you may recall the U.S. Constitution forbids depriving Americans of their citizenship. A minor point. Justice Department lawyers adroitly found a loophole -- the Constitution allows to voluntarily give up their rights. The bill's authors then reasoned that, "an intent to relinquish nationality need not be manifested in words, but can be inferred from conduct." Thank god, we have enlightened people making those inferences.

Getting the Visuals Right

When Secretary of State Colin Powell addressed the UN, his background "visuals" consisted of blue draperies neatly trimmed by a row of flags. Few knew the draperies had to be installed that morning to cover over a work of art that normally stands there -- a massive tapestry reproduction of Picasso's famous anti-war painting "Guernica."

Speaking in defense of the cover-up of Picasso's images of dying women, children and animals was UN spokesperson Stephane Dujaric, who stated, "We
needed the right background that would work on television." (If only Picasso had painted happy faces.) Unbeknownst to himself, Powell was presenting the world with a perfect metaphor of how our policies and language of "collateral damage" cover over the realities of human suffering.

Term Paper Enhancements

The British government was forced to admit that large sections of their "up-to-date" report on Iraqs deception had been lifted word for word from an article by a postgraduate student in California named Ibrahim al Mirashi. The plagiarism was so blatant that even spelling and punctuation errors from the original articles had been repeated.

However, our English colony deserves praise for a number of key improvements upon Mr. Marashis prose. Where the student described the Iraqi intelligence agency as "monitoring foreign embassies in Iraq," the British upgraded that to "spying on foreign embassies in Iraq." Much better. And where Marashi referred to Iraq "aiding opposition groups in hostile regimes," British Intelligence improved this to "supporting terrorist organizations in hostile regimes." Same evidence, just more "up-to-date" conclusions, which is undoubtedly why Colin Powell relied on it in his U.N. speech.

Terrorists under the Bed Dept.

Denver's police force has taken the lead in local efforts to fight terrorism. The American Civil Liberties Union disclosed that Denver's intrepid crime fighters had surveillance files on 3,200 people and 208 organizations who could pose security risks. The diligence of the police was paid off with the discovery of what they described as a "criminal extremist" organization -- the American Friends Service Committee.

The detective work that finally "exposed" these Quaker pacifists and their subversive prayer and potluck meetings deserves recognition. However, it should be pointed out, the Denver police missed the League of Women voters. An inexplicable oversight.

Benefits from Big Brother

The state of Florida found yet another creative use for our surveillance satellites. Under pressure from Florida orange growers, they have plans to aim their lenses at Brazils orange groves to count how many trees they have producing oranges. Florida orange growers have complained that Brazils crop forecasts are too inaccurate and drive down prices for Florida oranges.

Top honors go to Bob Crawford, director of Floridas Dept of Citrus, for this insight in defense of the surveillance proposal. "Its creating a database," he said. "I think it will bring us closer together." Don't we all feel "closer" when we see cameras focused on us?

Let us end these award presentations with a random thought from Dr. Sigmund Freud which I'm told is very significant for the Bush era. "By accepting the universal neurosis," he wrote, "the individual is spared the task of forming a personal neurosis." Amen.