....LMB: "Ah, Satire"....

June 11, 2003

I'd just link to this article, but Eat the State! is always a little slow to post their articles to their website. And I'm hungry now!

A Vast Majority of Americans Agree by Troy Skeels

Recent polls indicate that only 32% of Americans favor attacking Iran to overthrow its dictatorial regime and destroy its weapons of mass destruction. Most of those opposed responded with "I thought we just did that." When it is explained that Iran is a different country than Iraq, the numbers rise to a more patriotic 83%.

When it is further explained that Iran possesses no statues of Saddam Hussein to be toppled over and over again on cable news programs, the numbers in favor of an invasion drop to 63%.

Meanwhile, 53% of Americans say they are in favor of an invasion to overthrow the authoritarian regime currently ruling Baghdad which is widely known to possess weapons of mass destruction. Fifty-nine percent say they are in favor of intervening to halt the brutal occupation of Basra by the British Monarchy, while 63% say that it is important that the US continue to press for democratic reforms in the Ottoman Empire.

According to other polls, 74% of Americans favor invading France, and 39% would support an invasion of South Korea, slightly more than the 35% that say they are in favor of an invasion of North Korea and nearly equal to the 36% who say they are in favor of toppling the regime in West Korea. Another 32% are strongly in favor of an invasion of Canada, while fully 48% responded with, "Where's Canada?" and 36% saying they thought Canada was a state. 52% of the latter say they would support an invasion anyway.

Apparently almost no Americans would support an invasion of Burkina Faso, with 93% responding "same to you buddy" and slamming down the phone.

Meanwhile, nearly seven in ten, or 68%, said they were "somewhat in favor," "More or less in favor," or "strongly in favor," of invading China as long as it did not negatively impact the selection of merchandise available at Wal-Mart.

At the same time, 99% of respondents said they agreed with the statement that "America is one of the nations of the world most respectful of human rights and self determination for all peoples." The Homeland Security Department has taken down the names of the other 1% and has begun proceedings to deport them to Canada.

While 66% of Americans continue to support "democracy of some kind" in the USA, 47% of respondents agreed that "black is white," 53% said they supported the statement "war is peace," and 67% responded that in the post-9-11 world, they were "comfortable" or "somewhat comfortable" with the idea that "freedom is slavery."

Support for the job performance of George Bush remains high, at 73%, while 63% of the public say they would support a trained monkey if it were named "Commander in Chief."

In a related story, the Bush White House has announced steps to counteract what it describes as "800 years of liberal bias," in America's history classes and has ordered the revision of textbooks to reflect that the reason Europeans invaded and colonized North America in the first place was to prevent Native Americans from developing weapons of mass destruction.

In a speech announcing this new program, President Bush declared that, "If our forefathers hadn't stepped in and stopped the weapons programs being conducted in secret by Native Americans, who were known to possess smallpox infected blankets among other things, in clear violation of numerous treaties and solemn promises, we might very well be speaking Ojibojiway, Kicklitilcattat or some other impossible to pronounce language today."

When queried by a reporter (who was immediately fired by his employer and then hustled out and shot) why, after several hundred years, US forces had not found any of these claimed Native American weapons of mass destruction, Presidential Spokesman (Ret.) Ari Fleishcher responded with, "The United States is a large country, larger than California and Iraq combined and the Pre-Columbian regime had well over 12,000 years to hide those weapons. These things take time, but the Administration is confident they will eventually be found. And I shouldn't have to remind anyone that, as dozens of John Wayne movies have clearly shown, the Native American regime expressed its enmity and hatred over and over again for traditional American values and our way of life."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has suggested that the weapons were destroyed shortly after the sails of Columbus's ships were spotted on the horizon. He also pointed to the thousands of unmarked graves that are still being uncovered by archaeologists as proof of the brutality of the Pre-Columbian regime.

According to polls, 87% of Americans are satisfied with the explanations of the Administration on the matter, while slightly more, 91% would prefer to have it explained by a trained monkey.